‘Twas the afternoon prior to Christmas Eve and despite the fact there was tonnes of (alcoholic) spirit in the warehouse of Scrooge McPlonk Enterprises, the staff were hard at work for there was no Christmas spirit here. Scrooge McPlonk was the lord and master of his fiefdom and had made a large fortune in a number of wine and wine-related businesses.

The staff was busy taking stock because Scrooge, being too tight-arsed to buy a real inventory program was running his complete warehouse operation using the Red Bigot Data Base. The problem was not with the program, for that was fine, and doing an admirable job of keeping up, the problem was dear old Scrooge had not backed up his data in years and his IBM PC-386 chip computer with VGA monitor had finally upped and died, taking all the records with it. 

The staff, lead by foreman Keith Sheepbert, who Scrooge thought was a bit of a megalomaniac and empire builder, was going full throttle and Keith was telling everyone what to do, but then that’s what Scrooge had employed him to do. However, when Scrooge was walking through the warehouse, things were not as he expected them to be, there seemed to be more stock than Scrooge had anticipated and if there was one thing that Scrooge was good at, it was knowing his inventory. However, Scrooge was not worried; there was lots of cash, a small amount of it was even deposited at the National Bonkyou of Australia Company, and besides, wine is a liquid asset. Scrooge also trusted Keith implicitly as Keith had been a loyal employee for years. Scrooge didn’t know it, but Keith had dreams that went far beyond being foreman of this outfit, he had delusions of adequacy and wanted to run a gigantic company one day. Sheepbert lamented, if only Scrooge had a daughter to marry, he could become one of the family and move into the executive ranks of McPlonk Enterprises, but that is another story.

One of the workers, Camshaft Muttinson was not impressed, whilst Keith and a number of the workers were counting old Scrooge’s McPlonk Enterprises stock, Camshaft and his mate Phillip Fight had to count the inventory stored in a subsidiary company, Muddlers All Risk Independent Wine Storage. Old Scrooge has quite a sense of humour calling this subsidiary “All Risk,” because if his customers ever read the microscopic fine print on the back of the contract they entered into when they signed up for their wine storage, they would realise all the risk belonged with them, the customer. Scrooge could thank that cunning stunt on his very able legal firm, Sue, Grabbit and Run and specifically an up-and-coming young legal talent by the name of James “Brows” Holliday who also happened to be a wine-lover who was happy to be paid in liquid, provided it was delivered to his back door and the firm knew nothing about it.

Scrooge had his fingers in many bottles. As well as the distribution operation and storage businesses, there was a wine production company in the Barossa that was run by the very able Larry Chernobyl who had recently left a long-term career at a West Australian major industrial soft drink manufacturer and knew a thing or three about making formula products. McPlonks Superdupa Ultra Premium Wine Company put out a range of cask wines as well as ultra-premium bottled wines at the $5 price point but what most consumers did not know was that the same wine went into the casks as the up-market $5 bottles. This was a nice little earner! True to his name, when Larry did not get his way, which was often while working for Scrooge, he was known to spit the dummy and blow up. In fact, that was why he left his last job; he spat the dummy right at his boss, Stefan Pillar and it hit Pillar in the eye, severely blackening it which caused a deal of embarrassment for Pillar at the board meeting the next day. 

If there was a way to make money from wine, Scrooge was into it. In fact, J. God-Bollard, the boss cocky of Mount South Wine Corporation had tried to hire Scrooge as Chief Financial Officer on a number of occasions to try and help them restore profitability. Alas, Scrooge would never play second fiddle to anyone so Mount South would have to sort out their problems without his aid. But South Mount had no idea how much of their financial woes could directly be attributed to Scrooge. You see, Scrooge had a secret deal whereby he covertly controlled the purchasing of all wine in Australia’s two biggest grocery chains, for a healthy commission of course. But wait, there’s more, he had the same deal with a large Pommie grocery outfit too.

This will give some idea of the tentacles attached to McPlonk Enterprises but in reality, like any gigantic corporate octopus, you never know how many tentacles there are and where they lead but as this story unfolds, you will catch a glimpse of a few more.

By now, it was well after quitting time on Christmas Eve and the employees, who were hired under an Enterprise Agreement (written by James “Brows” Holliday, were still hard at it doing unpaid overtime as they had no choice, they did not want to lose their jobs. A delegation comprising of workers including Jeni Tawny, Len Dutch-Ovens, that was lead by Phillip Fight (who not afraid to have one), was elected to approach Scrooge to see if they could finally knock off and go home to their families. Reluctantly, Scrooge finally agreed to let them go but before he did, he called them all around for a Christmas toast. Being the sort of person he was, no one was surprised when the toast was made with luke-warm, Munchaberry White Seal Bubbles. Needless to say, no one had a second glass.

After the staff left, it being Christmas, Scrooge decided to indulge his secret passion. At the back of his office was a secret hidden door. When activated, it opened up into a veritable Aladdin’s cave of wine treasures. Rack upon rack of world class wines were lovingly hidden in this very private and secret cellar, for if there was one thing Scrooge loved and horded as much as money it was fine wine; not that he ever actually drunk the stuff. All the top names were here, Penfold Grunge, Chateau La Toilet Rothbrat, Penfold Bin 737, Chateau Botox, Veritas Haggis, Chateau La Rusty Nail, Gusset Ry-sling, and even Billy Goat Trout Frog Bubbles, to name just a few treasures.

Scrooge picked up a bottle of Romulus Brat’s Ozstralis and lovingly stroked it as he sat in his Jason Rocker Recliner that was coated with genuine imitation leather. He placed the bottle in his lap and picked up the latest issue of the best selling Plonk Abdicate which was written by Bob Pen iii Junior and which was responsible for making Scrooge a small fortune. Not even Bob Pen knew that Scrooge had covertly bought the printing company that produced the monthly Abdicate magazine. That move allowed Scrooge just enough time, through a myriad of aliases to register on mailing lists and source thousands of bottles of high-pointed wines prior to the information becoming public. Being more cunning than an outhouse rodent, by the time the publication hit the streets, the wine was already listed for auction with Lamingtons Fine Wine Auctions which ensured Scrooge had not only created a supply shortage by cornering a large quantity of stock, he was in an immediate position to profit from his nefarious activities.

It being Christmas, Scrooge decided to splurge and actually open a bottle of good wine whilst he was in his cellar admiring his hoard. This being a once a year occasion, it had to be something good, but not something expensive, heaven forbid you don’t want to waste the great stuff by actually drinking it. That Jacobs Stagnant Pond must be OK; they sell rivers of the stuff and on a whim, Scrooge had picked up a six-pack of the Limited Blend through the Wine-Boat Exchange for an absolute song, less than half the RRP of $65 so at that price, he could afford to splurge, just!

Out came the cork and Scrooge poured a little into a tasting glass with a Plonk Star label etched into it. Scrooge had purloined the glass when he was in Melbourne whilst trying to sew up a deal with Spurt Burdon, but Spurt was a tough negotiator and the deal had come to nothing. The wine was fabulous, indeed much better than expected and just what he needed. The rest went into a decanter. Whilst Scrooge was sitting there sipping his glass of wine he had a brain wave, another way to save money. He nicked out to his concealed private cellar, back into the main warehouse, and grabbed a bottle of Ardys Ruff Red which retails for $4.99 a bottle and scurried back into his private chamber. He opened up the RR and carefully decanted it into the Jacobs Limited Blend bottle and left the cork off. By the time the business went back to work, this wine would be completely oxidized and he would take it back to Nickersoff Wine Merchants and demand a replacement!

Life was good and the wine was gliding down Scrooge’s gullet rapidly as he sat there dreaming of more ways to make money. Scrooge was not exactly “emotional” but he was certainly extremely tired after consuming so much on an empty tummy and was soon snoring. And that’s when it happened… Company in his private cellar?  Perish the thought; but who was this stranger and how did she get there. Scrooge thundered “Who the **** are you woman?” He was not exactly politically correct.

She answered, “Why Scrooge I am the ghost of Christmas Past, I am the Angel Click-O and I am here to show you a thing or three about your life. We will examine Christmas’ Past and your influence in these events.”

“Bah, humbug” cried Scrooge, “rack off hairy legs, I want nothing to do with you!” (I told you he wasn’t politically correct.)

“If you want to keep your fortune, you have no choice in the matter old friend (she was PC), for unless you listen to me all your aromatic c-through wines that are sealed in Stelvins will have reductive characters and be undrinkable, including your beloved shepherd-made Rainy Day Cats Pee.”

“No, anything but that,” cried Scrooge.

“Right, being an Angel and all that good stuff, I have miraculous powers. I am going to take you on a virtual visiting program but I warn you, the picture you are about to see contains coarse language, adult themes and may offend members of the indigenous population.”

And with that Scrooge found himself looking down into an ordinary family living room where the husband and wife were sitting down, the Christmas nibbles were out and the husband was about to uncork a bottle of wine. He proudly turned to his wife and said, “This is a special bottle of wine that I bought just for this occasion. It is a bottle of McPlonk Geni-arse Shiraz that was very highly rated by the reviewing panel of the prestigious Heavenly Wine and Food magazine so it should be mighty good”. With that, the thoughtful, devoted husband (we have to lay it on a bit thick so Scrooge gets the message) pulled out the tree bark plug and poured a glass for himself and one for his wife. He handed to glass to his wife, they clicked glasses and both took a sip. The husband grimaced and the wife scowled, and said “they should call this stuff McPlonk Dumb Bum Shitraz. I though you told me this was meant to be good.”

Our devoted husband said, “It’s meant to be, it won the competition and everyone was raving about it. I can’t work it out, it is not off, it’s just bloody ordinary. So much for a special start to Christmas, there is nothing else to drink because that was the only bottle I bought so we are stuffed!”

The Angel Click O turned to Scrooge and said, “Now Scrooge, how do you think that came about?”

Scrooge sheepishly said “well, ummm…. well arrrrr, errrrr, it might have something to do with bottle variation.”

But the Angel Click O was not to be put off. “Come on Scrooge, you know what really caused this to happen and unless you come clean and confess my threat stands.”

Reluctantly, Scrooge replied, “Well it was like this you see, I really wanted to win that event so I made sure the wine that was submitted for the competition was perfect and came from the best barrel. When the wine was released it was almost as good but not quite as good.”

“Um, Scrooge, why are you telling me porky pies? The Heavenly Laboratory has tested the wine you submitted for the competition and the generally released wine and there are vast differences between them. Right, as you still need more convincing it’s onto the next example.”

And with that, Scrooge found himself overlooking a family BBQ that included a large extended family (‘cause they were Catholics – Scrooge isn’t the only one who is not politically correct.) There was Grandma who was dressed all in black (because her husband had died five years ago and guess what nationality she was); Mama and Papa, the eldest son with his live-in boyfriend, the eldest daughter with her girlfriend, the second oldest son with his transgender partner, and their youngest daughter with her husband and kids; they are truly an equal opportunity nuclear age family. As well as that, papa’s three older brothers and their grown up children were there too, so it was a large gathering. Papa considered himself to a bit of a wine-lover and although he had many friends that thought they loved wine because they drank a 4 litre cask a week, or even worse, homemade wine, papa was a few steps above that as he read wine reviews in the papers. And this is where we pick up the story with Scrooge.

Papa said “I like’a da reviews of dat Rolf Kite-Pullover fella but I like’a to make’a my own’a mind up about’a wine; cause dat fella TORB, is always bangin on’a bout it. So I bought’a boddle of McPlonk 2001 Cabinet MerLot cause Rolf raved about id an’ it was triffic stuff and so I bought a two cases for da party tonight. Enjoy!”

And with that papa opened the bottles and started handing them out. After looking after his guests and filling their glasses he picked up his own and said “bon-appetito - salud” and good a healthy swig. He was not impressed and could not believe this was the same wine he had tried a few weeks previously. Papa checked a couple of more bottles and they were all the same, very bloody ordinary. He could not believe it and was devastated, his Christmas ruined.

The Angel Click O turned to Scrooge and asked him “now what do you think caused that?”

Scrooge sheepishly said “well, ummm…. well arrrrr, errrrr, it might have something to do with bottle variation.”

“Very good” said The Angel Click O “but there is a lot more than that to it; that was the first excuse you used last time, so tell me the truth this time.”

“Well it is the truth, sort of. The first batch was so good and sold out quickly. There was a whole lot of wine that was left over from the first batch that was not quite as good which I had decommissioned. After the success of the first lot, I decided to trick up the decommissioned wine by adding 10% of the 2002 fruit to freshen it up and make it better and we released it under the same label.”

“Well Scrooge, I hope you can see how you have ruined peoples Christmas with your greed.” And with that, Scrooge woke up in his cellar sweating and shaking. Holy manure, what a nightmare! he thought and swore; and then swore he would never drink that much wine again. With the promise made, he felt a little better, after all, it was only a nightmare.

After some time had passed and Scrooge had reflected on his nightmare, he got up and wandered around the cellar greedily looking at all his prized bottles. That made him feel a whole lot better, but not as good as, he did earlier. Waste not; want not, the bottle was open so he may as well have another couple of glasses and was soon snoring. And that’s when it happened - again. More company in his private cellar, this is getting ridiculous Scrooge thought, he would have fire his security company, or at least not pay this months monitoring bill. Scrooge thundered “who the **** are you sir?”