From Our Very Sick Staff Reporter (TORB's) warped mind!

 

“Grange-O-Mania” TM is a highly contagious plague like disease which has instantly affected a large number of people worldwide; however the two worst areas for this disease appear to be restricted to Australia and the USA. Symptoms include an acute desire to rid one self of copious quantities of cash and researchers confirm there are three main strains of this disease. The “ninety eight strain” seems like a more difficult one to cure but it’s said to be more difficult to catch.

 

At risk are many wine loving consumers but it appears that many investors seem to be even more exposed and prone to this disease. It is understood that consumers that had previously vaccinated themselves with the “not over $300 a bottle limit” may have shown early signs of catching the disease but were well protected in the end. Concerned citizens tried to restrict the spread of this strain to Australia but were unsuccessful when the disease was apparently spread to the US by a low profile mystery travelling shepherd who was later identified as a Mr Robert Guru.

 

It is generally believed that a Mr Maxwell Sherbet was instrumental in the diseases early development in a South Australian Laboratory over 50 years ago where it was held in controlled circumstances and managed very successfully for many years by South Crop Lobotomies Pty Ltd, a well known philanthropic organisation that gives million of dollars to ex poor and impoverished Mangling Directors.

 

However in 2003 the disease jumped the containment lines and spread like wildfire and the outbreak was the biggest on record, much more spectacular than the infamous 1990 outbreak from which some people still suffer and have reoccurring attacks.

 

The second of the new strains which is primarily restricted to Australia is the “I must get on the any vintage bandwagon” strain which is highly contagious and has many people under its spell. The cure in all cases (bad pun – you should be so lucky) is very costly, especially those that get the “I must have a mini vertical strain.”

 

The third strain known as the “furking expensive magnum strain” is the one that is most cause of concern to those who work in the mental health area.

 

Medical specialists recommend that once caught, the fastest cure is to show one partner or loved one a copy of the most recent credit card statement but warn of a possible post medical complication caused by a frying pan tightly wrapped around or imbedded in the victims head.

 

A spokesman for the ‘Oz Plonk Retailers Association’ (OPRA) stated “the shortage of an available cure has severely impacted the profit of many Australian hotel and bottle shops. OPRA is very unhappy about this situation and hold South Crop Lobotomies responsible for this situation.”

 

In a rare press interview the recently appointed CEO of South Crop Lobotomies, Mr Chips said, “it’s not our fault for this situation, the blame rests fair and square on the head of Mr Guru as he was the one that spread it, we could have kept things under control if it was restricted to Australia.”

 

In any event, those who have caught the disease and have been unable to find a cure are not happy as evidenced by this irate victim Mr U.R. Inal-Bragger who said “I am ashamed to tell my friends at the country club that because I can’t get this one that the highest pointer in my cabinet is only 98 points, I am likely to get tossed out the club now.”

 

Another irate victim Australian born, Mr Quick Buck-Investa had this to say “gees mate how the bloody hell is a guy meant to make a quid when he can’t by a decent bottle and store it in the cupboard over the fridge for seven years and then auction it for a 200% profit? It’s almost enough to make a fella get of the dole and have to get a job.”

 

It is understood that once caught there is no cure for this condition but it’s expected that weather has a lot to do with it's spread and that within twelve months it will die a natural death.

 

With tongue firmly in cheek.

 

TORB